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The First Church of Lindy Hop
-Los Angeles County Congregation-

This Congregation was established on October 8, 1998 at 3:51 a.m. PST
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- Please be sure to visit our Holy Art Gallary,
featuring the rare paintings of the Reverend Lenny -
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Greetings, By Apostle TofuBob

I now call together The First Church of Lindy Hop. Will all the parishioners and faithful followers gather together in Chapel Savoy, the birthplace of our savior. Now some may say it is a sin to worship a dance, but not I. I find relief from pain and suffering and country music within the embrace of the Light we call Lindy. Brothers and Sisters I will now place before you some sayings which you can employ once you've been embraced by Lindy:

The Lord is my Rock.....step.
I will pray for your Spins.
The Lord is my lead.
I will go where thou Leadeth.
Satan made me do West Coast.
Swing out to the lord.

These will help you in your trek for true happiness. If followers of the Light have any to contribute feel free. We openly embrace all styles of Lindy, but accept West Coast to be a creation spawned of demons.
We recognize that we are not the first. We base our teachings and doctrine on past disciples of the Light. These disciples include the Reverend Dean Collins, Minister Frankie Manning, and countless other prophets, seers and revelators.
We invite all disciples, deacons, priests, ministers, reverends, apostles, seers, revelators and any other religious titles not mentioned to share with the rest of the congregation some of the scripture you may have found concerning Lindy. Why I found a passage just the other day. It read like so:

...and on the 7th count, thou shalt style. For it would be most pleasing. thus sayeth the lord.

Should you wish to share more of this wonderful scripture with the congregation, please do. So it is with great humility and gratitude that I open the first service of The First Church of Lindy. Let's fill up them pews....


Excerpts from recent Sermons:

I will now witness to the abomination I saw with my own eyes this evening. I was at the sacred stomping grounds Memories. As I entered, I witnessed one of the demon lord's darkest minions, fast at work. It was the Satan spawn known as the "Bumble Bee Man, " also known as the "cheap instructional video peddler." I gasped in terror as he attempted to persuade wayward dancers to purchase his evil videos. I reached for my sacred sword so that I might slay this foul creation. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten my sacred sword on top of the car and it must have fallen off on the way. So the rank, foul, disgusting monster known as the "Bumble Bee Man," still roams the clubs of SoCal. Just wait till find my sacred sword.
-Apostle TofoBob


Fellow children of the church I have a sermon for you this weekend: On Friday night a bright star shinned in the night across the sky, and 3 wise dancers from OC followed the light as though it made them slide smoothly into the distance. Upon there journey they stopped at Club Caprice, which was dead. So they ventured farther following this miracle in the sky.
The 3 wise dancers came to where the star shinned over and it was the birth of Camp Hollywood. One wise man said "Could this be true?" The other replied "O, but yes, the smoothites have been preaching for some time now." The last wise dancer broke into a shorty George and worked his way to the door, to which the door man said "Get the hell out, we've been sold out for weeks! You should have bought your tickets months ago!"
The 3 wise dancers where not so wise after all, so they went to the Derby.
-Reverend Lenny


Let us read from the book of Walsh 65:4, "And god said 'An evil man will cometh to this holy town we call LA (editors note - or OC, we didn't have the translation right, we can't tell which one.) This evil man will come and try to tempt you to come to the dark side (editors note - really bad Star Wars reference.) This evil man has said many of bad things about important people (like Guru Reuben). This man will be down here for the day of Thanks (editors note - thank you mom - hee hee.) He will try to tempt many people, but no one will follow his evil ways. As of the day of Friday, November the 27th, in the year 1998, I will allow a fight, this time and this time only, between the all mighty GURU Reuben and the evil man we know as GREG! Many supporters of the UCL (Universal Church of Lindy) will be there in support and back up (if he needs it, which he won't).
Arthur, Dean, and Lenny, I would like you, as sprits, to go and watch over this event, as the local Jitterbugs defeat our worst enemy. The man we know as GREG will be defeated, and will be so embarrassed he will never show his face in LA (editors note - OC) again.'"
Let us also give to this day of thanks, a big thank you.
Also, for without the assistance of our dearest enemy, this congregation would have never been started. I am so pleased to see over 200 entrys into this topic. It makes me want to cry...BUT I will not, because there is one thing that holds our church back from growing, and my brothers and sister, I think you all know what it is. GREG! If we can only defeat our enemy, our church would be complete.
-Reverend Evan


My fellow zealots, as I delved through the massive conglomeration of church history stored in the vaults, I came across the following prophecy:

"In the days to come there will fall upon the land a period of darkness. In this dark period, the light known as Lindy Hop will be hidden from the eyes of men. False witnesses, prophets, seers, revelators, and other charlatans shall attempt to lead you astray. They will preach of atrocities such as West Coast and Line dancing. These are evil men; their paths spawned of demons. Go not unto their false ways. There will come great warriors to combat this evil. These titans will eradicate the lies told by the wicked ones. A great and fierce battle will ensue, ending in the liberation of the Light."

Brethren, I feel that this day will soon be upon us. We've gained ground, much of it at the hands of the venerable Reverend Peter, Brother Erik, Sister Trapple Dapple, and Holy Hillary (heh heh). I do not know the exact date of this confrontation, the prophecy was vague. I could speculate and say it will come in the form of the US Open or some obscure jam session. I don't really know. I would like to wish some of those warriors well as they take the field at the US Open. I do not doubt the outcome.
-Apostle TofuBob


Another transcript from the archive:

Dean: Hey Lord!
Lord: Yes, Dean.
Dean: Lord I've got a problem.
Lord: Are Whitey's Lindy Hoppers picking on you again?
Dean: Uh, no lord.
Lord: Then what is your problem Dean?
Dean: Well lord, you know when you're dancing and you accidentally break away (ABA) from your partner?
Lord: Sure, happens to everyone.
Dean: Well, is there some way to play it off and look cool?
Lord: Hmmm...I think I'll let Noah field this one. I'll be right back Dean. Noah?

Noah: Lord?
Lord: Noah, I've got Dean down there again and he needs help.
Noah: What is it this time?
Lord: ABA's
Noah: Oh, I see. What are you going to tell him?
Lord: I don't know. Do you want mess with him?
Noah: You know I'm always up for mischief with mortals.
Lord: Ain't it fun? Any ideas?
Noah: Yeah, I've got a good one. Tell him...

Lord: Dean?
Dean: Yeah I'm here lord.
Lord: Dean, you must move your head back and forth like a chicken.
Dean: A chicken lord?
Lord: You doubt me?
Dean: No lord! I...uh....um....sorry about that lord.
Lord: Not only must you peck like a chicken, at the same time pull your arms up to your sides. These will serve as your wings. Then walk towards your partner.
Dean: My wings lord?
Lord: Dean....
Dean: Sorry Lord.
Lord: I forgive you. Go and practice your new move, for it is a good move. You can thank Noah for this one.
Dean: Golly Lord, you're the greatest!!!
Lord: One more thing Dean, if I see you doing the pretzel again I'll turn you over to Arthur Murray.
Dean: Sorry Lord, thank you for the new move.
Lord: You're welcome Dean.

Noah: Lord?
Lord: What's up Noah?
Noah: Did he buy it?
Lord: Heh, heh, heh... boy did he ever.
Noah: I can't wait to see what they do with this one.
-Apostle TofuBob

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Our Holy Bible:
The Emphatic Lindy Hop Translation 1998

Note: Due to the age and poor condition of the manuscripts used to create this translation, many scriptures have been lost, or some scriptures are from an unknown source. Every effort is being made to complete this translations as a team of world renown historian are hard at work piecing this book back together. Credit is given to each of these historians at the end of the verses they have restored.

Exodus 32:33, The Lord said to Dean Collins,"Depart, go out west, you and people whom you have brought up out of the city of Harlem, to the land which I swore to you, 'Mims and Manning.' And I will send a follower before you, and I will drive out the Hip Hoppers, Ballet, Jazz and hussel dancers. Go up to land flowing with big bands and dance halls; but I will not go up among you, lest I consume you in the way, for you are the smooth style people.
-Reverend Lenny

Exodus 33:17, And the Lord said to Dean,"this very thing that you have spoken I will do; for you have found the style in my sight, and I know your moves by name." Dean said, "I pray thee, show me thy style." And He said, "I will make all my moves before you and will proclaim before you my name, The Lord." Amen.
-Reverend Lenny

Levitcus 19:2, ...say to all the Congregation of the Lindy Hoppers Forum, you shall be smooth, for I Dean am smooth.
To you brother Dolly Lama I say read JOHN 9:9 and to you my friend Tonto of the smoothites I say read MATTHEW 14:6. With these scripture we can help go forth in love and Lindy and find our eternal spring wood floor, cast a way the Demons and their concrete back into the depths of hell and hip hop,oh and bleyers.
-Reverend Lenny

Leviticus 20, The Lord said to Dean "say to the people of Los Angeles, any man of the people of Los Angeles, or of strangers in the ballrooms in Los Angeles who haunches or bends over while dancing shall be put to death; the people of Los Angeles shall stone him with stones."
-Reverend Lenny

Ecclesiates 3:18, To everything there is a season, ...and a time to dance.
-Mother Pam

Psalms 0:0, "Blessed is the man who dances smoothly in the counsel of the Swedish, nor does slip outs in the way of sinners, nor does quick stops in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he dances day and night." Amen.
-Reverend Lenny

Psalms 23:4, Yea, though I dance through the valley of the shadow of Savoy, I will fear no evil: for smooth art with me.
-Apostle TofuBob

Song of Solomon 8:13, O you who dwell on the dance floor, my companions are watching your feet, let me see it.
-Reverend LEnny

Matthew 6:9-13, (The Lindy Hoppers Prayer) 9 Our Dean Collins which art in Heaven, Hallowed by thy name. 10 Thy style come, Thy will be done throughout the earth, as it is in Los Angeles. 11 Give us this night our daily bands. 12 And forgive us our missed steps, as we forgive the ancient films from which we study. 13 And lead us not into West Coast, but deliver us from their evil: For Hollywood is the kingdom, and the style, and the glory, forever. Amen.
-Guru Reuben

Matthew 7:15, Beware of false prophets, who come to you in vintage clothing but inwardly are flaming West Coasters.
-Guru Reuben

Matthew 16:18, And I say also unto thee, that thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.
-Apostle TofuBob

Matthew 24:24, For false Deans Collins's and false prophets will arise and show great moves and spins, so as to lead the unknowing astray.
-Guru Reuben

Acts (of the Smooth People) 10:13, And the Lord saith unto Dean; "Is it good for man to be without Lindy Hop?" and Dean answerith; "No it is not good." And the Lord saith unto Dean; "Go and dance for man, that they might have Lindy Hop... in it's purest form, which is smooth." And Dean answerith; "I will and dance MY ASS OFF... in its purest form."
-Minister Fishsticks

Romans 1:25, You have worshipped the created things (dancing) rather than the creator (of the dance which is God). God is who gives creativity and inventiveness. In our case dancing! Blaspheming Our Holy Bible will bring wrath and a curse from God! Therefore cease your blasphemy and repent! The power that is behind this letter is not to scare you but rather to admonish you because God is merciful and forgiving. If you laugh at my message you are a callous person and I pity you but if you are conscious stricken listen to my words of wisdom and do what I say that your dancing and life may improve. I speak in boldness because I myself am a "true jitterbug" filled with the gift of dance from the Lord!
-Father TheJBs

1 Peter 1:1-3, 1 Peter, an apostle of Dean Collins, to the dancers scattered throughout LA, Orange County, Riverside, San Diego, and San Francisco. 2 Smooth according to the foreknowledge of Dean Collins, through sanctification of the Lindy, unto smooth triple steps and music of the Big Band: Smoothness unto you, and slides, be multiplied. 3 Blessed be Dean Collins the founder of our dance, which according to his abundant film clips have begotten us again unto a lively dance by the resurrection of Lindy Hop from the past.
-Apostle TofuBob

2 Peter 2:1, But there were false prophets also among the members of the Lindy Church, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who will attempt to discourage the worship of dancing, even denying the Lord Dean Collins that brought them, but they will bring upon themselves swift destruction.
-Guru Reuben

Revelations 20:1-4, 1 And I saw an angel in the form of Dean Collins come down from heaven, having the key of the San Francisco swing scene, and a great chain in his hand. 2 And he laid hold on Greg Cole, that bad dancer, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him with the great chain for a few months, 3 And cast him off to San Franciso, and shut his ass up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the people of Southern California no more, till the few months should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed for the week of Thanksgiving. 4 And I saw thrones, and the Lindy Hop counsel sat upon them, and judgment was given unto those who did not follow Greg: and I saw the souls of them that were beheaded for the witness of Dean Collins, and for the word of our Lindy God, and which had not worshipped the beast Greg, neither his image, neither had received his mark of lameness upon their foreheads, or on their hands; and they lived and reigned with Dean Collins a thousand years.
-Guru Reuben

Dean 23:49, Our Lord Dean sayest to Greg: "So I will put an end to lewdness in this land of Southern California, that all faithful Lindy Hoppers may take warning and not give in to to you. You will suffer the penalty for your lewdness and bear the consequences of your sin of being utterly despicable. You shall go to San Francisco and hide from my people for I, Sovereign Lord Dean Collins will wipe you from the face of dance floors and give death to the sin that you are."
-Deacon Josh

Unknown 0:00, And god said, let thy not dance, if ye were's ribbons.
-Reverend Evan

Unknown 0:00, As the lord gazed down from on high, he saw the Camp of Hollywood and was pleased. Blessed is he who gathers in this place to dance. Blessed are Brother Adam and Sister Trina for they dance in the light which is Lindy. Following steadfastly in the teachings of Reverend Peter and the revered Arch Bishop Collins.
-Apostle TofuBob

Unknown 0:00, When praising our "lord of the dance" all must clap so that the spirit will be moved in the feet of our brothers and sisters, so that our praise will be true and pure and authentic. And then our reverend D.J., who is JUST and RIGHT, who (like all humans, who are fallible and imperfect) occasionally falls victim to the evil and vile temptations of the Cherry Popping Daddies and other bandwagon bands, will feel the spirit as well, and will spin the praises of our lord Lindy Hop. And all will be right in the world...

On the seventh day the lord rested, then he said, "What the hell am I doing? Those people need something to keep them from getting lazy and listless!" And so the lord created the sacred dance. And it was through this sacred dance that the people praised him. For they were no longer lumps on their sofa's, beds, and futons. They were people of the light. The light of LINDY...!
The people's prophet descended from the Hollywood hills and presented the seven commandments:
1. Holy is thy dance floor for it is a place of worship .
2. One shalt not obtain a ego bigger than one's own cranium.

3. Lead not thy partner into neighboring dancers.
4. Llave los manos before every dance and after every bathroom trip.
5. Yell at those who abuse the heavenly gift of Swing.
6. Whine not about crowded worship areas: do the shag and thy lord will be much pleased.
7. Deprive thyself of dancing and thou art depriving thyself of LIFE!!!
And in this way the lord spoketh to the people and had them spread the good news of the dance.

-Deacon BoogerBoy1

Unknown 0:00, ..and all the Smooth people bowed, and call him great! And painted the holy words "Hollywood Jitterbugs" across their chest, in a sign of their support, as they prepared to go down into the Valley of Death. To WAR against the evil abominations of the dreaded... West Coasters!"
-Minister Fishsticks

Unknown 0:00, From on high the lord of all that swings looked down at Peanut, ferret turned pirate. He pondered this strange turn of events, a ferret turned pirate would be a big shock to prairie dogs around the world. Should he step in?? Nay, the lord decided that he would give his blessing to Peanut, ferret turned pirate. For his was a righteous choice. It would benefit the global economy and aid Peanut in his quest to get chicks. Amen.
Note: These verses come from a piece of manuscript that was found balled up inside an ancient trash can, and it is believed they were thrown out as useless information.

-Apostle TofuBob


Be sure to visit our brothers and sisters in the following congregations:

Orange County
Congregation

Riverside
Congregation

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..
- Please be sure to visit our Holy Art Gallary,
featuring the rare paintings of the Reverend Lenny -
..

Copyright 1999 The Lindy Hoppers Homepage!
This Page Last Revised: March 01, 1999.