Greetings, By Apostle TofuBob
I now call together The First Church of Lindy Hop. Will all the parishioners and faithful followers gather together in Chapel Savoy, the birthplace of our savior. Now some may say it is a sin to worship a dance, but not I. I find relief from pain and suffering and country music within the embrace of the Light we call Lindy. Brothers and Sisters I will now place before you some sayings which you can employ once you've been embraced by Lindy:
These will help you in your trek for true happiness. If followers of the Light have any
to contribute feel free. We openly embrace all styles of Lindy, but accept West Coast to
be a creation spawned of demons.
...and on the 7th count, thou shalt style. For it would be most pleasing. thus sayeth the lord.
Should you wish to share more of this wonderful scripture with the congregation, please do. So it is with great humility and gratitude that I open the first service of The First Church of Lindy. Let's fill up them pews....
Excerpts from recent Sermons:
I will now witness to the abomination I saw with my own eyes this evening. I was at the
sacred stomping grounds Memories. As I entered, I witnessed one of the demon lord's
darkest minions, fast at work. It was the Satan spawn known as the "Bumble Bee Man,
" also known as the "cheap instructional video peddler." I gasped in terror
as he attempted to persuade wayward dancers to purchase his evil videos. I reached for my
sacred sword so that I might slay this foul creation. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten my
sacred sword on top of the car and it must have fallen off on the way. So the rank, foul,
disgusting monster known as the "Bumble Bee Man," still roams the clubs of
SoCal. Just wait till find my sacred sword.
Fellow children of the church I have a sermon for you this weekend: On Friday night a
bright star shinned in the night across the sky, and 3 wise dancers from OC followed the
light as though it made them slide smoothly into the distance. Upon there journey they
stopped at Club Caprice, which was dead. So they ventured farther following this miracle
in the sky.
Let us read from the book of Walsh 65:4, "And god said 'An evil man will cometh to
this holy town we call LA (editors note - or OC, we didn't have the translation right, we
can't tell which one.) This evil man will come and try to tempt you to come to the dark
side (editors note - really bad Star Wars reference.) This evil man has said many of bad
things about important people (like Guru Reuben). This man will be down here for the day
of Thanks (editors note - thank you mom - hee hee.) He will try to tempt many people, but
no one will follow his evil ways. As of the day of Friday, November the 27th, in the year
1998, I will allow a fight, this time and this time only, between the all mighty GURU
Reuben and the evil man we know as GREG! Many supporters of the UCL (Universal Church of
Lindy) will be there in support and back up (if he needs it, which he won't).
My fellow zealots, as I delved through the massive conglomeration of church history stored in the vaults, I came across the following prophecy:
"In the days to come there will fall upon the land a period of darkness. In this dark period, the light known as Lindy Hop will be hidden from the eyes of men. False witnesses, prophets, seers, revelators, and other charlatans shall attempt to lead you astray. They will preach of atrocities such as West Coast and Line dancing. These are evil men; their paths spawned of demons. Go not unto their false ways. There will come great warriors to combat this evil. These titans will eradicate the lies told by the wicked ones. A great and fierce battle will ensue, ending in the liberation of the Light."
Brethren, I feel that this day will soon be upon us. We've gained ground, much of it at
the hands of the venerable Reverend Peter, Brother Erik, Sister Trapple Dapple, and Holy
Hillary (heh heh). I do not know the exact date of this confrontation, the prophecy was
vague. I could speculate and say it will come in the form of the US Open or some obscure
jam session. I don't really know. I would like to wish some of those warriors well as they
take the field at the US Open. I do not doubt the outcome.
Another transcript from the archive:
Dean: Hey Lord!
Note: Due to the age and poor condition of the manuscripts used to create this translation, many scriptures have been lost, or some scriptures are from an unknown source. Every effort is being made to complete this translations as a team of world renown historian are hard at work piecing this book back together. Credit is given to each of these historians at the end of the verses they have restored.
Exodus 32:33, The Lord said to Dean
Collins,"Depart, go out west, you and people whom you have brought up out of the city
of Harlem, to the land which I swore to you, 'Mims and Manning.' And I will send a
follower before you, and I will drive out the Hip Hoppers, Ballet, Jazz and hussel
dancers. Go up to land flowing with big bands and dance halls; but I will not go up among
you, lest I consume you in the way, for you are the smooth style people.
Exodus 33:17, And the Lord said to
Dean,"this very thing that you have spoken I will do; for you have found the style in
my sight, and I know your moves by name." Dean said, "I pray thee, show me thy
style." And He said, "I will make all my moves before you and will proclaim
before you my name, The Lord." Amen.
Levitcus 19:2, ...say to all the
Congregation of the Lindy Hoppers Forum, you shall be smooth, for I Dean am smooth.
Leviticus 20, The Lord said to Dean
"say to the people of Los Angeles, any man of the people of Los Angeles, or of
strangers in the ballrooms in Los Angeles who haunches or bends over while dancing shall
be put to death; the people of Los Angeles shall stone him with stones."
Ecclesiates 3:18, To everything there is a
season, ...and a time to dance.
Psalms 0:0, "Blessed is
the man who dances smoothly in the counsel of the Swedish, nor does slip outs in the way
of sinners, nor does quick stops in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of
the Lord, and on his law he dances day and night." Amen.
Psalms 23:4, Yea, though I dance through the
valley of the shadow of Savoy, I will fear no evil: for smooth art with me.
Song of Solomon 8:13, O you who dwell on the
dance floor, my companions are watching your feet, let me see it.
Matthew 6:9-13, (The Lindy Hoppers Prayer) 9
Our Dean Collins which art in Heaven, Hallowed by thy name. 10 Thy style come, Thy will be
done throughout the earth, as it is in Los Angeles. 11 Give us this night our daily bands.
12 And forgive us our missed steps, as we forgive the ancient films from which we study.
13 And lead us not into West Coast, but deliver us from their evil: For Hollywood is the
kingdom, and the style, and the glory, forever. Amen.
Matthew 7:15, Beware of false prophets, who
come to you in vintage clothing but inwardly are flaming West Coasters.
Matthew 16:18, And I say also unto thee,
that thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell
shall not prevail against it.
Matthew 24:24, For false Deans Collins's and
false prophets will arise and show great moves and spins, so as to lead the unknowing
Acts (of the Smooth People) 10:13, And the
Lord saith unto Dean; "Is it good for man to be without Lindy Hop?" and Dean
answerith; "No it is not good." And the Lord saith unto Dean; "Go and dance
for man, that they might have Lindy Hop... in it's purest form, which is smooth." And
Dean answerith; "I will and dance MY ASS OFF... in its purest form."
Romans 1:25, You have worshipped the created
things (dancing) rather than the creator (of the dance which is God). God is who gives
creativity and inventiveness. In our case dancing! Blaspheming Our Holy Bible will bring
wrath and a curse from God! Therefore cease your blasphemy and repent! The power that is
behind this letter is not to scare you but rather to admonish you because God is merciful
and forgiving. If you laugh at my message you are a callous person and I pity you but if
you are conscious stricken listen to my words of wisdom and do what I say that your
dancing and life may improve. I speak in boldness because I myself am a "true
jitterbug" filled with the gift of dance from the Lord!
1 Peter 1:1-3, 1 Peter, an apostle of Dean
Collins, to the dancers scattered throughout LA, Orange County, Riverside, San Diego, and
San Francisco. 2 Smooth according to the foreknowledge of Dean Collins, through
sanctification of the Lindy, unto smooth triple steps and music of the Big Band:
Smoothness unto you, and slides, be multiplied. 3 Blessed be Dean Collins the founder of
our dance, which according to his abundant film clips have begotten us again unto a lively
dance by the resurrection of Lindy Hop from the past.
2 Peter 2:1, But there were false prophets
also among the members of the Lindy Church, even as there shall be false teachers among
you, who will attempt to discourage the worship of dancing, even denying the Lord Dean
Collins that brought them, but they will bring upon themselves swift destruction.
Revelations 20:1-4, 1 And I saw an angel in
the form of Dean Collins come down from heaven, having the key of the San Francisco swing
scene, and a great chain in his hand. 2 And he laid hold on Greg Cole, that bad dancer,
which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him with the great chain for a few months, 3 And
cast him off to San Franciso, and shut his ass up, and set a seal upon him, that he should
deceive the people of Southern California no more, till the few months should be
fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed for the week of Thanksgiving. 4 And I saw
thrones, and the Lindy Hop counsel sat upon them, and judgment was given unto those who
did not follow Greg: and I saw the souls of them that were beheaded for the witness of
Dean Collins, and for the word of our Lindy God, and which had not worshipped the beast
Greg, neither his image, neither had received his mark of lameness upon their foreheads,
or on their hands; and they lived and reigned with Dean Collins a thousand years.
Dean 23:49, Our Lord Dean sayest to Greg:
"So I will put an end to lewdness in this land of Southern California, that all
faithful Lindy Hoppers may take warning and not give in to to you. You will suffer the
penalty for your lewdness and bear the consequences of your sin of being utterly
despicable. You shall go to San Francisco and hide from my people for I, Sovereign Lord
Dean Collins will wipe you from the face of dance floors and give death to the sin that
Unknown 0:00, And god said, let thy not
dance, if ye were's ribbons.
Unknown 0:00, As the lord gazed down from on high, he saw the Camp of Hollywood and was
pleased. Blessed is he who gathers in this place to dance. Blessed are Brother Adam and
Sister Trina for they dance in the light which is Lindy. Following steadfastly in the
teachings of Reverend Peter and the revered Arch Bishop Collins.
Unknown 0:00, When praising our "lord of the dance" all must clap so that the spirit will be moved in the feet of our brothers and sisters, so that our praise will be true and pure and authentic. And then our reverend D.J., who is JUST and RIGHT, who (like all humans, who are fallible and imperfect) occasionally falls victim to the evil and vile temptations of the Cherry Popping Daddies and other bandwagon bands, will feel the spirit as well, and will spin the praises of our lord Lindy Hop. And all will be right in the world...
On the seventh day the lord rested, then he said, "What
the hell am I doing? Those people need something to keep them from getting lazy and
listless!" And so the lord created the sacred dance. And it was through this sacred
dance that the people praised him. For they were no longer lumps on their sofa's, beds,
and futons. They were people of the light. The light of LINDY...!
Unknown 0:00, ..and all the Smooth people
bowed, and call him great! And painted the holy words "Hollywood Jitterbugs"
across their chest, in a sign of their support, as they prepared to go down into the
Valley of Death. To WAR against the evil abominations of the dreaded... West
Unknown 0:00, From on high the lord of all
that swings looked down at Peanut, ferret turned pirate. He pondered this strange turn of
events, a ferret turned pirate would be a big shock to prairie dogs around the world.
Should he step in?? Nay, the lord decided that he would give his blessing to Peanut,
ferret turned pirate. For his was a righteous choice. It would benefit the global economy
and aid Peanut in his quest to get chicks. Amen.
Be sure to visit our brothers and sisters in the following congregations:
- Please be sure to visit our Holy Art Gallary,
featuring the rare paintings of the Reverend Lenny -
Copyright © 1999 The Lindy Hoppers Homepage!
This Page Last Revised: March 01, 1999.